Believing Sight Unseen – Raw Lines #2

Raw Lines #2

 “Another weekend, short skirt, low top should get you what you need, quickie gratification, live up to why you’re on here. Get touched up for real, jerking off guys on this site must be frustrating for you. I guess most suss you out quite quickly, not so bloody stupid as me to fall for you. By now you may well have had a few drinks so might get to see the real you, what the hell you might actually loosen up and say what you really mean?”

“That message was really horrible and unnecessary.  It’s really quite alarming when I read back through our messages and see how drastically your tone has changed towards me in such a short space of time, I think I was wise not to rush into anything especially as you clearly only see me as cheap and chatting to loads of other men. You couldn’t be more wrong, what a shame, I hope you find what you are looking for.”

“If you’ve reread our messages then you will know the real me and realise that I had to do something drastic to find the real you. Do you honestly think I wanted to write that? I’ve found what I’m looking for, it’s you.”

“Well if you didn’t want to write it then why did you? It is very hurtful and nasty and I am really not sure at all how I feel about you or anything anymore after you being so horrible to me.”

“Erin, I wrote ‘that’ message for a reason, to shake you up, to see if we really mattered to you, if I really mattered to you? Your reply this morning showed me the real you, the woman I always thought you were, you showed incredible maturity, despite the hurt, the provocation to lash out. You say you’re not sure of how you feel about me now, I think maybe you are even more sure than you were before, you are still messaging me for the same reason as I am you, neither of us could cope with losing each other, it really scares me. I’m still shaking, I took a huge risk last night, I had to, I had to bring things to a head.”

“Your message was cruel and nasty, but you sent it because you wanted to shake me up? I’ve seen another side of you, Sam, a side that I don’t like. If you really had feelings for me you wouldn’t have sent a message like that.”

“There is no way of explaining myself here is there? You know me, but choose to believe I’m bad and nasty, I know you, I know you are not cheap, that’s why I said it, to get a reaction from you, to snap you out of being so damn passive, so irritatingly evasive, so annoyingly patronising on here. You are forever waiting, for what?  The sun doesn’t shine out of my arse or yours and never will, so please get real, accept us as we are, yes with a few flaws, both a bit bloody minded at times, but wow what a pair we are, what a couple we could be, if only you could see. I guess you want me to go now, if so I’ll respect your wish.”

“I think you’ve shown what type of person you are by writing a message like that. I am an honest and sincere person and don’t like playing mind games, but you clearly do.”

“I see no possibility of understanding or forgiveness from you? So why are you still messaging if I’m so evil, so beneath you, so not your type? What you think matters but what you think about me is wrong, but you’ll never know. It’s such a shame but if you really have nothing left in you for me then please stop messaging me and I’ll go. And just so you know I got it wrong, I blew it, looks like I’ve lost the woman I love, but you won’t believe that either?”

“Because quite simply I can’t let go! I am desperately trying to work out why you said what you said. It upset me so much but then again it made me realise exactly how much you mean to me. I still want you so much!”

“I want you so much too Erin! So much it hurts, so much it made me so desperate to find a way to be with you. I went way too far, I swear I didn’t mean to seem so cruel, I am absolutely distraught I hurt you. I love you so much, it’s crazy, I haven’t even seen you, but I know it’s real, I simply cannot let go either!”

“If you want me that much and you want this to work then you are going to have to do a lot of work to make this right again. I am really hurt, that won’t change just with you saying sorry or you didn’t mean it. It takes time for that sort of thing.”

“I did not put us through this for things to stay the same, I really thought that despite the pain, we had turned the corner, as you said you had realised exactly what I meant to you, that you wanted me so much. That is why I declared my full feelings for you, something I was not going to do again until we met, so you could see and feel the truth of me. I’d hoped for more from you this morning, that you were ready to move on because that is the only way for us now. So, no I will not be doing a lot of work, to stand still and pay penance on here, I will willingly work with you, as your equal, to find a way for us to meet, if you will?”

“I want to meet you but we have some bridges to build on here first, after all those nasty things you said about me I will not be pushed in to anything.”

“I stand by my last message. Yes we found each other here and on here we’ve become very special to each other, but ultimately this site has failed us, and I will not allow that to continue. So, I put my faith in us to reach an understanding to move forward by meeting, as I said there is no other way now. If you are as serious as I am about us, our need of each other, then I hope you will see that there is no bridge to build, please just take my outstretched hand and step into my life.”

“How has this site failed us?  It was this site that brought us together we would never have met otherwise. I am really not happy at the moment this has shaken me and I need time to think about all of this not deadlines I really hope you can understand that.”

“I’ll leave you to your thoughts. If you find you really do want me enough to meet then please let me know and we’ll move on. I’ve nothing else to say till then.”

“I’m so very sorry that you feel this way but I won’t be pressured into meeting until I’m ready and as it seems that you’re no longer interested in keeping in contact with me until I do, then I can’t see this continuing.”

“You may believe that staying on here is best for you, that’s your choice, and if you really mean you want to give up and not try another way then there is nothing I can do or say to change that, I’ve tried long and hard and failed to move you.  If the spark in you for romance with me is still too weak how on earth can I fire you with more words on here. I’ll do what I believe is best for us, to wait for you and never ever give up, to hope with all my heart that one day you’ll find it in you to meet me, to take the chance to be loved for who you are.”

“It’s not that I want to give up as you say and I do still very much want to meet. But I just don’t respond well to demands and pressure from anyone, I’m afraid.”

“It’s for you to find within yourself what you really need and want, what is worth challenging your perceptions of yourself for. I’ m not demanding anything of you or applying any pressure, you do that to yourself by denying your feelings and not letting them out. I’m just letting you know how things are, and trying to do what’s best for us, not you or me, it’s us who matters and giving us a chance which I honestly believe we’ll only have by meeting. Somehow we have to move on from here, you know that as well as I do. I’ll give you strength, be your rock, and be all you know deep inside that I can be for you and us.”

“I don’t really want to challenge my perceptions of myself, I’m comfortable with who I am. I’ve already told you that I don’t respond well to pressure so could you lighten up a bit?”

“With that message you have put yourself beyond my reach, beyond my words, beyond all I feel for you. You seem so self-absorbed, so insular, frankly so up yourself, there is only one way for you and it’s your way, and more fool anyone who dares to challenge you, the biggest fool is me for trying to love you, as an equal, as a friend, as man, perhaps that’s it I’m the wrong sex for you. Despite all that, I’ll keep my heart open to you, my account live on here for a while, it’s for you to come to me now, I’ll not take your indifference on here anymore. And if you choose to end this I’ll go and leave you to the one you love most, yourself.”

“That was a very mean message and one I think that you have written out of frustration, either that or during this time we have been swapping messages you have not really picked up on who I am as a person, the real me. You seem to be the one who is having the tantrum about not getting his own way! Where do we go from here?”

“Erin, you asked a good question, ‘where do we go from here?’, there is no easy answer I think we both know that, and that it’s why we’ve still here, trying to cope with confused communications, which lead to our frustrations, misunderstanding, things said which would never be if we were not isolated from each other here. If only we could rise above the constraints, the limitations of being here, and see the real people we are.  I hope the day will come when I see the smile upon your face?”

“You know that day will come but I cannot and will not be made to feel pressured about this. I need this to be a wonderful time for us both and not feel like you are angry or somehow out of control over this.”

Believing Sight Unseen – Raw Lines #1

The first four chapters of my work in progress ‘Believing Sight Unseen’ show in a linear time-lined way, the first month of Sam & Erin’s internet relationship. In Chapter  5  Sam goes away, the aftermath can be played out in several ways, chapters 6 to 8  continued in the same time lined way. This though but one way, parallel paths, crossed lines, confused minds will play.

From now raw lines will posted, their pivot point the end of chapter 5; all to be refined, made whole, resolved.

 

Raw Lines #1

“How do you feel today? Your choice made, down to you, to be without me. Happy to be young and carefree, moving on to suit your will? Smiling, knowing you’ll always be wanted, needed, in every way, by someone, your choice always, who you’ll let near. Every flaw, every fault of mine, magnified on here, every hope every feeling for you etched into my heart, you to me reality, the finality of desire, the ever present of my mind, the pearl of every tear, unforgettable, untouchable by me. And so Erin, your choice for me to go, reluctantly accepted, my would be lover, the darling of my body heart and soul.”

 

“Well that’s a lovely way of summing up everything Sam, if it were true. I don’t see why you need to go, it’s not my choice, it’s one you’ve made, for whatever reason? Don’t you think it unfair that I don’t hear from you in over two weeks and then you make out that I’ve not missed you, that I don’t want you. What exactly did you want me to say, did you really think I was just going to hang around and pine for you?  I tell you Sam I’m disappointed in you I thought you knew me?”

 

“Hang on Erin, you did say it was down to you, if we met, if we talked, if we left this damn site, if there was to be a chance for us, least that’s what I understood. Your reply today doesn’t make any sense to me at all. I’ve summed up how I feel, I’ve missed you more than I can say, yet I’ve no idea how you feel? It’s as if you’ve hardly noticed I’ve been away, as if you have moved on?”

 

“I’ve told you endless times that I want us to stay in contact and carry on chatting and we can see about arranging to meet up when I’m good and ready. If I don’t hear from you all that is going to happen is that I think you are no longer interested. It looks a bit like we have got crossed wires, though I can’t think why as I’ve always said what I mean.”

 

“My eyes are open, I see this for what it is, see you for what you are, all that matters to you is keeping me on here with your meaningless promises of us meeting. Sad thing is there is a part of me that believes in you, despite everything, I care, despite the broken promises, the endless ‘we’ll meet soon’, despite that you can’t even remember how long I’ve been on here for you. I’m just another guy to be taken advantage of. You want more chat? Then go find an even bigger fool than me.”

 

“Oh I see you have it all figured out then, so basically you are saying I’m just keeping you on here, why would I do that? That’s just pathetic sorry, but if that’s what you want to believe then fine. We have been talking for a month by the way, you say you care but you have a funny way of showing it, I’m so angry.”

 

“Pathetic am I, well what does that make you, living your life on here, as for angry, I’m not, I’ve only myself to blame for allowing myself to fall for you, least I meant everything I’ve said of my feelings for you, as for liking you right now well that’s a different story.  Yes well done it’s been a month, must be hard not to get all us blokes confused, if you have a boyfriend heaven knows how he would feel to know you put it out on here, but then you only care about yourself.”

 

“How dare you say that! I do not only think of myself I am not a selfish person at all. Of course I know it’s a month, I’m only messaging you!  I really don’t know what’s come over you but it’s a good thing because now I am seeing your true colours. You obviously don’t know me that well after all!”

 

“Such nonsense, you had talked so much of feelings, of a future for us, we almost met, you were buying a new little black dress, you seemed so excited as was I. Then I had to go away, you were so low, you said I was your rock, I was there for you, but you forget, as so many other moments we deeply touched each other. I remember them all because I truly cared, would have done anything for you, even now. You have no idea of my true colours, you see and hear what suits you, your moods, blind to the truth that you are flawed too. The day will come when your looks will fade, you’ll mess up more and more and end up unwanted and alone. Sad to say, but yes all will say ‘she deserved it’…goodbye”

 

……

 

“I am so sorry after reading that, I really didn’t realise how terrible I have been and how I have lost all control of what we had or can still have. I have had such a rubbish time, I have treated people badly, you being one of them and I feel ashamed of myself. Please can we try and work this out, I am truly sorry.”

 

“Not so long ago you said I was the only person who really understood you, perhaps I do, at least a little, enough to know there is a beauty to you, more than skin deep, it comes from within you, you have a caring heart, and you have mine too, together we can overcome our demons, if you truly want us to? I don’t know why what’s passed between us these past few days happened, perhaps its fate, pushing us beyond our limits, to enable us to see, what could be there for us, if only we took our chance to be there for each other, to never be alone. Please try to sleep easy, let’s see what tomorrow brings.”

 

“It’s so nice to read that from you and know that I have your understanding and caring ways for me. I have hardly been able to sleep properly after the realisation of how badly I have treated you and for that I am so sorry.”

 

“Yes you have treated me badly, yet I see the good in you, it shines through, when you let your inner thoughts and feelings show, just as you did  a few weeks ago, you gave me so much hope, so much joy, I felt we were one, then for reasons I don’t know we ended up in a mess like this. You do know me, you know my feelings for you, you know I’ll help take us a forward step by step, hand in hand, that I’ll not let you down. All I ask is for us to meet, just to talk and see what could be for us.”

 

“I will say again that I am ever so sorry. Can we start a clean slate? I didn’t mean to be horrible to you. How about if you think I get that way again just tell me, stop me right in my tracks so as I don’t carry on. Sometimes I just need that kick up the bum. I am a good person and I am pleased that you can see that in me. Just sometimes put my guard up if I feel I have let it down too much. I realise I don’t need to do that with you.”

 

“Erin, your guard is still up isn’t it, your thoughts, your feelings are stilled closed to me, no closer to meeting that I can see? This is not enough, a clean slate yes, but not on here, we need to meet , it’s the only way for us now. If you want all we’ve ever talked about, all we’ve ever felt then come to me, to talk, for you to see that I’m a man who would never need to kick your bum.”

 

“I appreciate what you are saying and I understand how you feel. You are right, to move on we need to meet. I will have a look at some times and dates we can do and I will let you know so we can sort something. I don’t want to lose what we have built on here.”

 

“I’m feeling a bit let down to be honest Erin. You are stalling again, talk to me!  It’s you who need to start this, I wish it could be me, I’m don’t want to keep sitting on my bum waiting for what is taking an eternity to come? How difficult can it be to suggest a date even for a coffee and a chat? I am just being honest about how I feel, please do something, for us.”

 

“I am sorry if you feel that I have let you down, I do talk to you, I have never been so open with anyone. Please Sam, you are spoiling what I enjoy, you on here until I can have you.”

 

“Come on, it’s so obvious in your replies you avoid talking about meeting and what we could do, do you really think I’m that dumb to think you are ever going to suggest any dates, you like it too much stringing me along, you’re an expert at it, you’ve been doing it since day one, yes the very first day we started this. As you said I’m pathetic, I agree, I must be for taking this for so long from you. So let’s keep it simple, let’s talk dates and make plans to meet, show me that you want to?

 

“And when did I say that you are pathetic? Why would I speak to you like that? You are not dumb and so there is no need for you to say that. Forcing me to do something isn’t going to make me do so much quicker. You seem to be moody. You need to calm down.”

 

“Well that seems to say it all, you don’t even know what you said two days ago, this is all part of the same thing, the same old problem, you not being able to move on. Erin I’m not forcing you to do anything anyone who really cares would do. I’m calm, why would you think I’m not, all I’m doing is telling you what I see, the lack of commitment from you, that you won’t take a chance on me. And please spare me your excuses, just do something for us. I’m tired of being the only one trying to make us work.”

 

“It’s first thing on a Sunday morning and yet again it’s all me, me, me with you, I am fed up of your do this, do that moods and messages. This is the last thing I need, stop being so fucking pushy, I have had enough!”

 

“Me too, if that’s how you really feel. I’ve nothing left to give, there is nothing more to say, though I’m screaming deep inside I’ll keep my silence, keep my words to myself, they have only ever flowed for you. Please make no mistake, I truly love you and always will, you can never take that away from me.”

 

“You truly love me? You’ve never met me and don’t know the first thing about me, let’s not be so dramatic. I do care about you and I’m sorry it’s not worked out.”

 

“For crying out loud I do and always have. I really do not want us to end ever, there has to be a way for us to sort this crazy mess out.”

 

“I just think it is hard to say things like that when we have never met, to say I love you are very strong words and they shouldn’t be said lightly. Where do you want to go from here?”

 

“Erin, when it comes to my feelings for you I have never said anything lightly, I’ve never written or spoken to anyone the way I have with you. I accept that you are unable to comprehend this and I’ll not say it again, until you can see it is what I feel and mean. I am so sorry we have misunderstood each other yet again, for me it’s a consequence of being on here, not a true reflection of you or me, as I’ve said before every misplaced word is magnified, I’ve re-read mine and can see why you responded the way you did, I am very sorry it came to that, you shook me to my core. I would like to say hello and see you smile, it’s why I’m on here.”

 

“I am not doubting what you feel that is something that is personal to you and of course I like hearing that you care for me. I just find it hard sometimes to say certain things in that respect on here and prefer to wait when it comes to that in particular, for me anyway.”

 

“Last few days so intense for us, I was selfish, asked too much, let my frustration show, in the wrong way, how much I need you in body as well as mind. The shame I feel made even worse as I felt so much love and respect for you for realising and being so sorry for how bad you had been to me, and the faith you showed in not needing to be guarded with me. I am so grateful and relieved that you still care, I’ll not push or ask again, it’s has to, and will be, down to you to find a time for our first meet. I feel naked, exposed, completely open to you, do with me as you will, I do not want to ever come that close to losing you again.”

 

“Please don’t feel or make out that you are completely at my mercy, this has to take both of our feelings into account from now on, that’s the only fair way to do it.”

 

“Thank you for saying that Erin, I’m so looking forward to us making this work out for both of us, for us to find a way forward together. As for being at your mercy, I quite like the idea of being naked and exposed to your sensual ways, and then you finding you are naked and exposed to mine, but right now I’d give anything to hold your hand. Take care.”

 

“We will find a way forward because we both want this so much. You are so sweet Sam, I would love us to be all snuggled up right now and holding each other’s hands, being loving and affectionate. Our time will come soon my darling, do not worry. We are going to be perfect for one another.”

Blushed easy…

Never handsome

Yet had something

His few all head turners

Naïve blushed easy

Kissed gentle no tongue

Held hands never groping

None kept him for long

College bus heard whispers

He the slow one kind though

The one you say “I wouldn’t marry”

Keep to yourself “I wish one day”

Girl next door popped in

Lay on the floor watching tv

She found how far to go

Unbuttoned let him grow

Friend with limits not kissed

Fast forward to day of tears

Teenage plus forty years

Unseen till eulogy read

She liked the dad he loved too

Family car ready to leave

He  hesitates looks across

Her car about to get in

He blows a kiss she does too

Both know but didn’t still

Next life maybe they will