Believing Sight Unseen – Bits & Pieces #12

“Erin, this has been going on a long time, surely we can sort this out, we’re not a couple of teenagers feeling our way in life, we’ve both lived, know what’s good, what’s not, had our fair share or more of knocks. What’s in our past is then, not now, sure we’ve learnt some lessons, but we both have our eyes open, know our own minds, trust our instincts, can feel what’s real, what’s not. All the feelings I’ve expressed to you in countless words are true, I’m the man you think I am, you are the woman I’ve waited for, what more is there to say, us meeting now is the only way, we both know that, so I ask you Erin will you meet me soon?”

“I will meet you soon Sam, and I understand everything you have said. It’s not that I distrust you, I just have to be 100 percent ready, which I’m working towards, I think it’s a little different for women.”

“It’s a shame you still have your doubts, about me, about something as innocent as meeting for a drink, that you as yet cannot quite see what I see in you, a woman I’ve grown to know a little, to care for a great deal, who I’d very much like the pleasure to see, to talk to, to get to know some more, for whatever we have in us to grow, without expectation, just to go with the flow, as friends, as lovers, who knows maybe both, but we’ll never know until we find the time to meet. Can I suggest we find a day to look forward to, to arrange where to meet what to do, and if when the time comes you decline, we’ll at least we know we tried?”

“I don’t think that I have doubts as such, I’ve always been a little bit on the cautious side, I suppose that’s my downfall. I’ll try and go with the flow as you say and see where that leads us. I am trying you know.”

“Erin, I know you, you’ll do what you want to do, that whatever need of me you might once have had when you were really low is gone, seems you’re in a better place now, moved on. You probably have little memory of all we said and shared back then, how close we had become, that you even spoke of love, as I did, still would, if I thought it still meant anything to you. Your boredom, your indifference to the possibility of us is now so obvious, I’m man enough to accept I’ll never see you, that I’ll never say hello to you. It’s all I’ve ever asked of you and, despite your words, it’s always been too much for you to give.”

“I don’t think that you are being very fair, I did say that I would let you know what I could sort out, and now you are accusing me of not wanting to meet, and not caring about you. I do remember how close we had become, and I am sure we will be like that again, I am not bored at all, I am so sorry, that you think of me as being that selfish and self-centred.”

“I do not think you are selfish but I do know you, perhaps better than you think, you like to get your own way, you don’t take kindly to advice, you can be quite stubborn and headstrong even when you know that perhaps you may have got things wrong. I’m well aware of my faults too, but I never accused you of anything, I say it as I see it, at least as well as I can see anything on here.”

“I don’t think you can judge me after the short time we have known each other. I am a little stunned by all of this to be honest, I don’t think you are being very fair insulting me like this.”

“It always comes to this, you forgetting that we have messaged for months. Yes I know you, I know your ways but I’m not judging you, perhaps you’re stunned  to see the truth in what I say. Anyway it doesn’t matter, you either want this or you don’t it’s up to you to make a decision.  Now that would be quite something!”

“You know that I think that you are being a little harsh here and you know that I want this but I won’t be bullied into a meet and have told you that it will happen when I feel that the time is right and thought you understood this, why you being so demanding all of a sudden?”

“I’ve always been this way, wanting more than you can give, needing you more than you need me. You come first to me, I come way down your list, I only count on here. You’ve always been this way too, evasive, enigmatic, saying things you don’t really mean, anything to keep me on here. I keep falling for it, believing you, hoping for more than this. My memory is my curse, I can recall everything we’ve ever written, the smiles, the tears, the unfulfilled promises. You struggle to remember anything beyond a week, guess that’s the norm for your connections on here. Unless you can give more we’re all said and done I think don’t you.”

“You don’t come way down on my list at all please don’t think like that and I really do want to make this happen. You just seem to be having a go at me so to be honest I don’t really know what to say.”

“Erin, we are not getting anywhere are we? I want to, you know that, and yes I do believe you do too. Thing is you don’t know what to say, and I don’t either, perhaps its fate’s way of telling us to stop going around in circles and get our bums off of here. If you really still cannot bring yourself to do that, maybe an alternative way forward is for us is to say no more on here, but for me to keep my profile open and wait for you to let me know when you are ready to meet up. It’s a compromise I know, but at least it gives us a chance.”

“That would be a compromise and one we should consider at least on my part to show you that I take what you say seriously and I do want things to move forward. I don’t know what to say because I don’t want to get my back up and for things to get heated because that is the worst that could happen right now.”